Archive for Bad Jokes

Just a Peach of a Story

A farmer was selling his peaches door-to-door.  He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something Biker Chick  dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, “Are they as firm as this?”

He nodded his head and said, “Yes ma’am,” and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, “Are they nice and pink like this?”

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A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve the Biker Community

A  new  priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve the Biker Community and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older more experienced  priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like ‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to he old priest.

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Brothel Review by Two Seasoned Bikers

Two old seasoned bikers, decide to ride into town for a little R&R.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old guys and whispers to her manager, “go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’

The manager does as he is told and the two old bikers go upstairs and take care of their business.

Just before they rode off, the first biker tells his companion, ‘you know, I think my girl was dead!’

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Marriage in Heaven

A young Biker Catholic couple, were riding on their way to the Church get married: they died before getting there, involved in a fatal traffic accident.  The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

 When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked, let me go find out” and he left.

 The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

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The North Pole Trike-In

Mrs. Claus has been looking forward to the annual trike-in held every year near the North Pole.

Two days before the event, she finds out their trike is totaled and Rudolph  is at the vet’s,  all busted up.

 Totally pissed Mrs. Clause drags Santa out of his workshop and asks him what in the world is wrong with him letting Rudolph drive the trike…and continues to yell, on and on, for about thirty minutes or so before running out of steam…

 Santa finally gets a chance to blurt out “I told you when I got up this morning that the Trike needed to be inspected but I didn’t want to go because it was raining and you told me what to do (again).”

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The Pig Who Built his House from Straw

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather  the building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full  of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the  man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

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What are you afraid of?

As the Biker was pulled over (for no apparent reason) he produces his license, registration and CPL permit, handing all three to the cop.

“Okay, Mr. Smith,” the cop said, “I see your CPL permit.  Are you carrying today?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Well then, better tell me what you got.”

Smith said, “Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside my vest pocket.  There’s a 9 mm semi-auto in my leather shoulder holster. Oh and, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.”

“Okay,” the cop said.  “Anything else?”

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A tough but sensitive Biker

  A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about  to jump off a bridge so he stops.

 “What are you doing?” he asks.

  “I’m going to commit a suicide,” she says.

  While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss  an  opportunity he asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me  a  Kiss?”

  So, she does.

  After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best Kiss I  have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be  famous! Why are you committing suicide?”

 “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”

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And his fly is open

A woman is standing outside the men’s bathroom, a man walks out with his fly open.

Woman says, ‘excuse me, your garage door is open’.

Man, ‘Oh sorry, did you see my Harley in there?’

Woman, ‘No, but I did see a mini bike with 2 flat tires’

(Contributed by a avid visitor)

Fifty Years of Math 1959-2009 in the USA

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.! I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

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