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Category: Bad Jokes

[description]Biker Humor and bad political jokes and absurdity.[/description][keywords]bad political jokes, bad humor, current events, Obama jokes, Whitehouse humor, current affairs, state of the country[/keywords]

  • Just a Peach of a Story

    A farmer was selling his peaches door-to-door.  He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something Biker Chick  dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

    He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”

    She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, “Are they as firm as this?”

    He nodded his head and said, “Yes ma’am,” and a little tear ran from his eye.

    Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, “Are they nice and pink like this?”

    The farmer said, “Yes,” and a tear came from the other eye.

    Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, “Are they as fuzzy as this?”

    He again said, “Yes,” and broke down crying.

    She asked, “Why on earth are you crying?”

    Drying his eyes he replied, “The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I’m gonna get fucked out of my peaches…

  • A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve the Biker Community

    A  new  priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve the Biker Community and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older more experienced  priest to sit in on his sessions.

    The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

    The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like ‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’

    The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to he old priest.

    The experienced priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, “No shit, what happened next?”

     

  • Brothel Review by Two Seasoned Bikers

    Two old seasoned bikers, decide to ride into town for a little R&R.

    After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old guys and whispers to her manager, “go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’

    The manager does as he is told and the two old bikers go upstairs and take care of their business.

    Just before they rode off, the first biker tells his companion, ‘you know, I think my girl was dead!’

    ‘Dead?’ says his friend, ‘why do you say that?’ ‘

    “Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.’

    His friend says, ‘could be worse I think mine was a witch.’

    ‘A witch?? “Why the hell would you say that?’ ‘

    “Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window….. Took my teeth with her!

  • Marriage in Heaven

    A young Biker Catholic couple, were riding on their way to the Church get married: they died before getting there, involved in a fatal traffic accident.  The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

    While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

     When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked, let me go find out” and he left.

     The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

     Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

     St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple “OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

  • The North Pole Trike-In

    Mrs. Claus has been looking forward to the annual trike-in held every year near the North Pole.

    Two days before the event, she finds out their trike is totaled and Rudolph  is at the vet’s,  all busted up.

     Totally pissed Mrs. Clause drags Santa out of his workshop and asks him what in the world is wrong with him letting Rudolph drive the trike…and continues to yell, on and on, for about thirty minutes or so before running out of steam…

     Santa finally gets a chance to blurt out “I told you when I got up this morning that the Trike needed to be inspected but I didn’t want to go because it was raining and you told me what to do (again).”

     Mrs. Claus looked him right in the eye, punched him a good one in the snoot and said “you  idiot, I told you to stop whining, you’ve got rainGEAR

  • The Pig Who Built his House from Straw

    A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

    She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather  the building materials for his home.

    She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full  of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

    The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the  man said?’

    One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

    ‘I think the man would have said  ‘I’ll be a son of a bitch!! A  talking pig!’

  • What are you afraid of?

    As the Biker was pulled over (for no apparent reason) he produces his license, registration and CPL permit, handing all three to the cop.

    “Okay, Mr. Smith,” the cop said, “I see your CPL permit.  Are you carrying today?”

    “Yes, I am.”

    “Well then, better tell me what you got.”

    Smith said, “Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside my vest pocket.  There’s a 9 mm semi-auto in my leather shoulder holster. Oh and, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.”

    “Okay,” the cop said.  “Anything else?”

    “Yeah, back in my tour pack, there’s a broken down AR-15 and I have a shotgun in an atv gun case behind me in my luggage.  That’s about it.”

    “Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range?”

    “No Sir”

    “Well then, what in the God Damn Hell are you afraid of?”

    “Not a Fucking Thing.”

  • A tough but sensitive Biker

      A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about  to jump off a bridge so he stops.

     “What are you doing?” he asks.

      “I’m going to commit a suicide,” she says.

      While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss  an  opportunity he asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me  a  Kiss?”

      So, she does.

      After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best Kiss I  have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be  famous! Why are you committing suicide?”

     “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”

    Booooooooo

  • And his fly is open

    A woman is standing outside the men’s bathroom, a man walks out with his fly open.

    Woman says, ‘excuse me, your garage door is open’.

    Man, ‘Oh sorry, did you see my Harley in there?’

    Woman, ‘No, but I did see a mini bike with 2 flat tires’

    (Contributed by a avid visitor)

  • Fifty Years of Math 1959-2009 in the USA

    Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.! I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

    1. Teaching Math In 1950s

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

    2. Teaching Math In 1960s

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

    3. Teaching Math In 1970s

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

    4. Teaching Math In 1980s

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

    5. Teaching Math In 1990s

    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok..)

    6. Teaching Math In 2009

    Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?