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Activists Missing 01/07/2010

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police
scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three
animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing
of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others,
previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped
inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.

“Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest.
“Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, “growing tired
of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing
leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event
“in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use
of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.” “In fact,” said the
organizer, “motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather,
and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with
them using it…ergo, they should stop.”

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the
event in a vintage 1960’s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members
with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting
“you’re murderers” to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They
grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and
duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”

“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a
heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and
all he said was, ‘You can’t prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride
on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his
girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”

Still others claimed they were forced to eat
hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held
down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”

Police officials declined comments on any leads or
arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for
the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.

“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of
the biker organizing committee. “We were having a party, and these people
showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names,
and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the
party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all
members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness.
Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such
nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding
the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated
in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer
declined to comment in detail. “That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the

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