Archive for Bad Jokes – Page 2

Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Boyfriends

* My bike can go for more than one ride in an hour.

* My bike lasts longer.

* My bike will let me know if something is wrong.

* My bike doesn’t judge my friends.

* My bike doesn’t care about how many other bikes I’ve ridden.

* My bike won’t ogle other bikes.

* My bike doesn’t care about my breast size.

* I don’t have to drink beer before my motorcycle looks appealing.

* I didn’t have to go to Tiffany’s to register my bike.

* My bike doesn’t care if I’m independent, matter of fact she wants me in control.

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Blonde in a Plane

A plane is on its way to Toronto. When a Blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first call section and sites down.

The Flight Attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the Blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The Blonde replies; “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m gong to go to Toronto and I’m staying right here”.

The Flight Attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the Pilot and the Co-pilot that there is a Blonde Bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

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Playing in the Garden

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? she asked…

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THAT’s why California is broke

 California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a  nature trail. 

 A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

 1.  The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie  “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

 2.  He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills  the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

 3.  He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills  the State $200 testing it for diseases.

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Something to Offend Everyone, i.e. Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

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Hell in a HandBasket

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

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Tax Time Fun

 At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a  lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

 “Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”

 “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

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A Mexican, an Arab, and a Redneck Biker Chick are in the same bar.

A  Mexican, an Arab, and a Redneck Biker Chick are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.’

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air,   pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.  He says, ‘In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that   we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.’

The Redneck Biker Chick cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws  the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and   the Arab.

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No Bell Piece Prize

John was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing.  Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!  When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover..

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Mule For Sale

Mule For Sale

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.  The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,”Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Curtis & Leroy replied,  “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

They said, “OK, then, just bring us the dead mule.”

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