Archive for Biker Humor – Page 2

FAST SEX!

Biker  Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl at the repair shop.  But she was dating someone else.

One dayBiker Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.  The girl looked at him and then said, “NO!”

Biker Darren  said, “I’ll be real fast.  I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.”  She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

 So she called him and explained the situation.  Her boy friend says, “Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast.  He won’t even be able to get his pants down.  Then give me a call.”

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Another Blonde Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road on her Purple custom HD Sporter  and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her leather windshield bag and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The Biker finally found a square mirror in her bag, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.

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Carburetor’s frozen

In  the  fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost  any time or place.

For example:   On a bitterly cold  winter’s day several years ago in northern British  Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol  came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and  helmet, stalled by the roadside.  “What’s the matter?” asked  the policeman.

“Carburetor’s frozen,”  was the terse reply.   “Pee on it.That’ll thaw it out.” Can’t.”

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Stay

I drove my car instead of my bike because I wanted to take my new puppy for a ride. I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, ‘Now you stay. Do you hear me?’

‘Stay! Stay!’

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Bubba has shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

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Dear Diary

HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

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Candy Ain’t Enough

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” says the little girl as she hurries down the street.
 
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks” and
“a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out…
“Look Dad” “Your the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley
YOU RIDE IT!”

Biker Love

I took my Old Biker Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).  We decided to grab a bite at the Food Court.  I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.  

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:  green, red, orange and blue.  My Dad kept staring at him.  The teenager would look and find him staring every time.  When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

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Cheesburger, Cheeseburger

Crusty Old Biker

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks
into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which
reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up
to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of
farmers.

‘Yes?’ she inquires with a knowing smile,
‘can I help you?’
‘I was wondering,’ whispers the old biker, are  you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?
”Yes,  she smiles and purrs, I sure am.’
The old biker replies, ‘Well wash your hands. I want a  cheeseburger.’

Biker Ain’t Lion

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.  A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.   I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.” The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?

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